Weight Watchers Journey- Entry #1

This isn’t my first weight loss rodeo.

No, seriously, I have blog post from years past to prove it.

Weight has always been my struggle, and even now as I sit on my porch writing this I feel apprehensive about sharing something so personal again. I mean, by the time you hit 29 you’ve pretty much given up on ever being the person you wanted to be in your head. Diets make you miserable, and even if they work it’s hard to maintain.

Especially when life comes at you.

Last year I lost 20lbs and I was so proud of myself. People noticed, I went down a size, and I thought that this was finally it. I was finally going to succeed.

And then my mamaw got sick the week of my brother’s wedding and everything went to crap.

Honestly, life from July 2017 to December 2017 is a blur. In September of that year she was admitted to this hospital and three days later admitted to skilled nursing at the local nursing home. Two months later she had a series of strokes that made her immobile and they admitted her into the nursing home.

Two days later she passed away.

My whole family was there and watching someone you love take their last breath is something I’ll never forget, and it changed my very being. I stumbled around in a fog until a month ago when it seemed to lift and by chance I signed up for Weight Watchers.

I know, I know, how can you sign up by chance? Well, they were having this deal where your first month was free if you signed up for 6 months and something in me told me to take the chance. Of course, about an hour later I was like, what in the fresh heck have I done?

I spent the next week planning on how exactly I was going to change my whole way of eating, when that’s not what I originally intended to do. The voice in my head told me it was a waste of time and money, that it would never work, and that I’d fail like I always did.

But I started.

Two and a half weeks later I’m down about 8lbs and while it hasn’t been easy, it’s somehow just sorta clicked in place. My clothes already fit better and I can actually see myself making this work.

I guess this is my journey, let’s see where it takes me.

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Intermittent Fasting Day 2 – A Fat Girl’s Weight Loss Journey

It’s 9:33 pm. I’m sleepy and hungry, but I’m pretty sure I’m only hungry because I know I can’t eat right now.

Okay, I could eat, but I’m serious about trying intermittent fasting. My mind wants to convince me that I’m hungry and that I need to eat when I know good and well that I was full an hour ago.

*of course you’ll be reading this after I break my fast*

I need to be getting to sleep – I’ve been staying up later and later thanks to the Chicago Med/P.D./ Fire shows, but the allergy medicine I took earlier has had just enough time to make me feel that delirious version of sleepy.

😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴

Fyi – I stayed up to watch Chicago Fire 😍

Okay, so it’s 12 hours later – 9:34 to be exact – and I’m feeling a lot better this morning than I was yesterday. I slept a bit later, so that might have something to do with it, but that theory will be tested tomorrow because I will have to be at work at 7am. I’ve also got a lot going on, so that should keep my mind busy.

*I work as a Human Relations Coordinator and it’s open enrollment for healthcare 😱*

Honestly, intermittent fasting is easier than my actual diet, because I know that I can eat, I just have to wait until a certain time. With my diet I know that once I hit my calories I’m done – at least, I should be.

If you want to follow my journey via my Instagram then click here! I’ve been posting different foods that I’m trying and progress pictures – when there are progress pictures! 😂

Until next time! Thanks for reading!

Dear Girl Who Only Posts Pictures of Her Face 

Dear Girl, 

I get you. For years I didn’t post or even take full body pics. I felt like my face was way better than the rest of me and if I showed the world what I looked like no one would want to pay attention to me. 

I see people who have so many pictures from high school and how they lovingly look back on them. I, however, have very few pictures from that period of my life. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have a few, but I spent that time avoiding the camera from the chest down. 

Why do we do it?

We are trained to think that unless you look a certain way, you aren’t attractive. We see pictures like this splashed all over the internet and magazines and we think this is the norm. 


Or maybe we feel that our chest is too big. Maybe it’s too small. Maybe we think we look too thin and are afraid people will make fun of us. Maybe we hate our stomach. 

There’s a million reasons we don’t like our body and I couldn’t even begin to name them all. We also forget that it’s not just curvy girls that feel self conscious. 

All women feel that way; big or small, tall or short. 

But that’s the thing – if we all feel that way at some point, then why can’t we just be accepting of each other? 

Your body does not define you. Your skin color does not define you. Your clothes do not define you. Your hair does not define you. 

You define who you are. 

Take control of who you are and go on a journey of learning to love yourself. Take those pictures. Post those pictures. Life does not wait for you to decide you’re good enough, so live each day. Enjoy your friends and family. Wear that bathing suit to the beach. Wear the leggings. 

Don’t hide everything but your face. Be proud and unapologetically so. 

Eating Disorders, Anxiety, and Depression. My story of overcoming mental illness and gaining true happiness. 

This is my life journey. I haven’t sugarcoated my story. As the title states, this deals with mental illness. Please read with caution. 

Weight has been something I’ve struggled with my entire life. 

I can remember being in the fourth grade and comparing weight with my friends and realizing that I weight at least ten more pounds than they did. 

I remember my mom calling the plus sized clothing I wore in the kids section “half” sizes so I wouldn’t feel bad. I remember being made fun of because I “was too fat” to wear l.e.i. And mudd (the cool brands of 2000). I remember not trying out for cheerleading because I thought I was too big. 

I remember being in high school and being disgusted with myself because my arms would rub against my stomach when I sat down in my desk. I remember being called fat behind my back by people in my band class. 

These moments all formulated in my head to convince myself that I wasn’t worth love or acceptance until I lost weight. 

The summer before my senior year in high school I lost some weight. Not enough to be noticeable, but enough for it to unconsciously click in my head how to lose weight. See, I had gotten super busy over the summer and as a result I didn’t snack early as much. I lost weight and I knew it was because I hadn’t been eating normal. 

The way to lose weight was to not eat. At least, in my head it was. 

It didn’t trigger right away, but in February of 2007 my nanny passed away from a heart attack. My life was thrown into chaos over night and I found myself feeling completely out of control. I couldn’t control when someone died. I couldn’t control my emotions. I could control my life. 

But I could control what I put in my mouth. 

From that moment on I ate just enough to get by. I would go to the gym to work off what I had eaten because I wanted to consume as few calories as possible. 

I remember having to hang on to my desk when I got up because I felt so faint from lack of food. I remember keeping otc migraine pills in my car because I always had a headache at the end of the school day. 

Oh, but I was losing weight. People noticed. I noticed. Who cared if I felt like death? I was losing weight. 


Winter 2006 or early 2007 above and spring 2007 below 

The hardest part, looking back, was that I felt so huge to begin with that no matter how little I ate, I still felt like I was failing. I wasn’t losing weight fast enough and it ripped me apart. 

I’d love to say that I woke up one morning and opened my eyes to what I was doing to myself, but I didn’t. I settled into a toxic relationship with food for the next five or so years. I’d feel better and eat, only to be followed by weeks of eating every little. Sometimes I’d be so filled with anxiety that I would binge and eat whatever I could, followed by extreme guilt. I never felt like I could talk about it because the perception of someone with an eating disorder is skeletal and sickly. I still could have been considered “fat” for lack of a better word. 

My first year of work led me to passing out at work twice and my mom used to sit and watch me eat breakfast. Honestly, I don’t know if she actually knew, or what, but I remember being practically forced to eat toast. 


April 2008

I had several bad relationships because I never felt like I deserved better, or could even get better. I’ve had ex’s that I told some things to call me fat behind my back after we broke up. I’ve been told that there are people starving and I’m so selfish that I’m upset because I did eat. 


2009

I never felt good enough, thin enough, pretty enough. I struggled with anxiety, depression, and excessive OCD. I’ve coped with alcohol and self harm. I stayed with a man who lied to me bacause I thought he was the best I would ever have. 


2011


2012


Jamaica 2013

  

2014


2015

Then I woke the eff up. 
I began to live my life and gained the best friend I could ever imagine. Concerts, music, shopping, and fun became my life. Little by little I began to start loving myself. 

I still had feelings of not being good enough, until August 2014. 

My. Life. Changed. 

I know not everyone is religious, but I tell you, the day I left my last ex I felt God. I felt him with me, guiding me. I felt him show me how special I am to Him. I’ve been moved to sobbing tears because of His presence. 
Since 2014 I’ve been on a path of self discovery. I’ve been broken down and lifted up. I’ve learned to see that I am good enough. 

Because isn’t that the root of my problems? I never thought I was goood enough. 

I can’t say I don’t struggle with anxiety or sometimes have a bad self image. I’m human and you are too. Sometimes life with be a daily struggle. Sometimes you may feel you’ll never be good enough. 

You are good enough. 

Mental illness, to be honest, is a lifetime struggle. What helps me may not help you and vice versa. We need to take charge of our lives and find what helps us. It is possible to be happy. It is possible to look in the mirror and see someone you love. It is possible to wake up and be so thankful that you’re alive. 

I’m rooting for you. I’m rooting for us all. 

I don’t know if this made sense, or if it will help anyone, but I feel called to share my story. My past may help someone change their future, and if that’s the case then it’s all worth it. ❤️


October 2016